NOTE: If you don't get the joke, click the links! Some links have unintuitive or surprising connections (I also sometimes throw in something whacky just to spice things up).
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Scientists have recently discovered a new cause for forest fires, and we here at Spoken in Jest feel a duty to relay it to you as soon as possible because it bugs us.
It is a well known fact that predators in nature are often smarter than prey animals. After all, they need to predict the behavior of at least one other type of animal to survive, whereas most prey animals only have to predict the habits of grass, which is generally pretty simple. Well, with that intelligence comes the possibility of getting into trouble, as any student of human affairs can tell you, and—to make a long story short— it seems that spiders have discovered fire.
Now we do not wish to inflame a panic, so we are going to calmly relate this information on the web. It seems that certain recluse groups of spiders deep in the woods have sequestered themselves away and been wrapped up studying in secret. They were only discovered because some scientists captured a group of spiders in the wild near Canada, and observed spontaneous fire-making behavior on the part of the tiny arachnids. They have now been estimated to extend down into the United states, reaching as far west as Parker, Colorado, and as far South as Charlotte, North Carolina. Many people are afraid of both spiders and fire, but we refuse to be intimidated. Besides, it’s a hot topic.
So what can be done about these infernal creatures? We’re not just floggin’ stunning information just for clicks. W e truly believe this could be an existential threat. We have a burning need to try to kindle public interest in this. While we don’t want to get wrapped up in the details, rogue spider-fires could lead to many human deaths (1). Moreover, spiders are present everywhere. One could be climbing up your waterspout as we speak (2).
What can be done? Well, there is a fork in the road in front of us. One option is to try to stomp out spiders. However, that will be extremely difficult, and spiders might escalate to trying to light us on fire on purpose. Their infiltration abilities are such that, with enough tongues of flame at their disposal, they might be able to lick us. The alternative is that we could learn to cooperate with spiders. Spiders, like fire, make a bad master, but might be good servants. They are already useful around the house to eat insects (3). Wolf spiders are apparently pretty good at babysitting, too, though mostly their own babies, admittedly.
One way or another, this is an important moment in history. We should do our best not to muff it.
1) Not to mention spider deaths. It’s said that a great many spiders are already widows.
2) Which actually technically would be one of the safer places for it to build a fire, all things being equal, but imagine what it might do when it gets to the top.
3) They have been said to have had a big influence on literature in fact.